So many thoughts running through my head so if I am all over the place, chalk this entry up to word diarrhea of the brain(if you know me well or have just met me you understand that phrase quite well). Over the last 7-8 days talking to my wife I came to many realizations and now let me espouse them to the internet, my free therapist. Some were good and some were what I was doing wrong. The later being the one no one ever wants to face because who wants to look at their imperfections. On this week’s episode I discuss why change is needed and the only way understanding takes place in my life.
After the cabin weekend, my wife and I sat me down and had a long talk. I will not go into all the details, but she pretty much let me know some of personality flaws that effected more than just me. From my vantage point I never thought that every so often really “tying one on” was hurting anyone but me. Yet again, I was very wrong. My wife wanted to have a discussion with me and I was not having it for even a second. Once she started talking a storm erupted in me and it was hard to control. Be aware that it was not directed at my wife, it was directed at yours truly. Of all my flaws that I have (just listing a few: 1) arrogance 2) removing foot from mouth on regular basis 3) being a little to open with most people 4) on average just rude to some people, you get the point) never been accused of not taking responsibility for my actions. Of all the horrible stuff I do on a regular basis, my saving grace is that I will be the first person to admit fallibility. My wonderful wife stated that drinking to that point was not something she ever envisioned in the one she chose to spend her life. At that moment I realized that my demons were stronger than I could have ever imagined. The thing that really ticks me off is that I was raised by 2 very good parents. My father worked so my mother could raise the children, they always put us ahead of everything else, raised us morally and with respect, gave us every academic opportunity they could afford, and I have always been angry at so much of this world. They did everything right and I chose to be the person with this much anger towards things that I have no control. I have not made any promises or grand plans about alcohol, but I do know I am taking it day at a time. From all that I have seen to have the arrogance that it only effected me really let my internal voice smack the ever living hell out of me.
After seeing the two kids sword fighting at the end of my neighborhood on my dog run last night I started thinking about what had happened earlier in the day, just making sure someone did not lace anything that I had drunk (I am 99% sure sanity was in control when I saw the swashbucklers). We went down to Chelsea to visit one of my oldest friends. This is a guy that you can look back on most of your remembered life and his name pops up in most of the funny stories you have to tell about your past. Given most of them involved booze and yes it was high school and college, but we are both productive members of society now and I am thankful that we both made it to the other side. His son and my oldest son are only a couple months apart. He had a 12 lb. ham to cook and we were mouths that needed to be fed. Sitting in their kitchen eating a great dinner that my boy had made I realized how great life was and yet again food was involved. I named my blog accordingly because it seems that I have breakthroughs when food is around. It hit me like a bolt of lighting: Sellouts are people that do not want to change. We were discussing how much fun we were having letting the boys play and us just sitting around shooting the shit. The discussion was about people that were still going to bars all the time and did not want to move on from the life of partying all the time. There is nothing wrong with people that go out to bars if they do not have children, heck I met my wife in a bar! My thoughts were when people think that I have settled because I spend most of my Friday and Saturday nights at home or traveling with my family and friends. Just to be clear I have not settled. I have chosen to procreate and then raise those offspring in the same vein as my parents tried to do with me. I want to show others how wonderful this world can be and what is out there for us to see and experience. Seeing those 3 people everyday gives me a joy that was nowhere to be found 10 years ago in my life. The friends, substances, and good times pale in comparison to sitting there this morning drinking a cup of coffee reading a book while my wife slept in and my boys watched “Yo Gabba Gabba”. I would trade all the late nights for more of those. But the beauty of it all is those late nights of debauchery got me to this point in my life. They made me this guy and I am thankful for that. If I would not have met my wife in that horrible dive bar on July 4th almost 9 years ago I would not truly understand love and pure joy. The little moments now of just watching my sons smile make a weekend at the beach with a bunch of single people seems so trivial and benign. Most people can tell you that have families, not children, just really close families that is where life is happiest. I had lost my way, but my wife is here to apparently keep my ass in check. You see I am a child in a man’s body and without her and my kids I would amount to very little and probably be near the of my time on this mortal plane. They saved me in more ways than one. I know you may be reading and saying, “Yeah yeah yeah, I have heard it all before”. I have been on both sides and I can tell you the grass never looked greener on this side, but it is really green for me now.
If you made it all the way through that sappy junk I thank you and hopefully you saw a little further into my soul or for those who believe as Fouche, “Death is but an eternal sleep”, my personality. My philosophy for the longest time has been that if you do not learn something new everyday than you suck. My world is black and white and gray is just a crayon that is never used during my existence. Now go eat some really good food, read a really good book, and as I was told over the cabin weekend get 13 hugs a day.