Taking Facebook off my phone has done wonders for me, but I still seem to put foot in mouth on a regular basis. I recently really went after a friend and former roommate of mine for no reason, absolutely no reason except that I decided to vent and be an asshole. That is one thing that I am actually really good at, not venting the asshole part. I actually do realize that once I type or say something that is out there and I cannot take it back, but my brain apparently likes to see how people will react when I say mean things; or maybe just hates me and doesn’t want me to have any friends. I feel that option two is the correct one in this scenario.
I joined Facebook mainly to do the mid-30’s thing and post an obscene amount of pictures of my kids. I also made a small rule with myself that I would not post many pictures of myself for two reasons: 1st- I wanted to use the media platform for what I saw in the world from my perspective and 2nd- I am not that good looking and why would I want to subject the world to seeing me more often. In that last couple of years I have enjoyed Facebook for what it is and what I can use it for, but recently I realized it is filling too much of my time and I am seeing things that I am not interested in and can live without. The bigger reason is that I no longer use it, it is using me.
This whole exchange has come about because I chose to be mean to a friend of mine by something I perceived they said on Facebook. Mainly I was letting out my frustration about my own career on them. If you do not already know, my career has hit a ceiling. Moving back to Alabama ended any chance I had of becoming an administrator in the school systems in this state. All that is something that I have not fully resolved with myself, probably because I am still teaching and am looking for work in another career or venue. The horribleness of me is that I attacked a friend for her defending my wife. What kind of person am I? It wasn’t a small, “Oh you typed something I did not like on Facebook.” it was a very big, “I am attacking you, your career, and everything about you.” Not my finest hour and I realize after the fact how truly evil I can sound. The voice inside my head sometimes takes a break and doesn’t know that I am doing anything. It is like my conscience went to Aruba and left me to destroy myself and the few friends that have not gotten rid of me.
I am not blaming social media for my horrible behavior, that would be an excuse and I do not do excuses. Facebook hasn’t made me do anything, I had to type up those comments all by myself. It shows me what I am capable of if I do not know properly let stuff go and try to find solutions to my anger. I have tended to take out my issues on people around me and that is not how people interact with each other. The capability of lashing out in that way shows that the issue is still unresolved. Not being able to exercise right now is not helping, since I have had my spine fused together. I really want to get on my bike and ride, but Em is encouraging me to take it easy so I have no more issues with my back. But in that time I may go certifiably insane. I have always had anger issues, but letting them out on other people is completely unacceptable. Anger is something that I have always battled with and know that it beats me every so often. The more I understand what is consuming me the better I will be at resolving the problem. The greatest thing that I have going for me is that the big Guy in the sky gave me the most wonderful woman on the planet and that has made all the difference.